LIFE. It's a struggle. We search for help, we search for direction, we dig deep to make ourselves better. We are hard on ourselves, and at the same time oblivious to how our choices have huge negative impacts on everything around us. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has been here!
Many times, when I have been at point where I am just LOST - I remember to turn to God. "Duh- he knows what I need ... I will say a little prayer, and open my bible. That will lead me to the perfect verse for me."
Have you ever realized how overwhelming the bible is??? There is seriously A LOT in there! How does one just sit down to read - and find God's Will for a given situation? It's tough. I have read the bible, little by little, a few times. I am familiar with biblical stories and individuals that we can learn from. But when I NEED direction, I can never, for the life of me pick something to read- that will apply to where I am and help me connect with what GOD wants.
So - this leaves me here- where I am right at this moment. LOST, near rock bottom, (hopefully, on my way up from my rock bottom) and working hard to do what God needs me to do, living God's plan, being healthy; emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially. My life is a mess... call it a hot mess, a crazy mess, chaotic, train wreck... whatever. I just know one thing. This is not the full life God intended for me. Although my heart has always loved Him, my brain has not followed him. I have made poor choices, been oblivious to things happening around me, been caught up in surviving and let this beautiful life fool me into thinking that the little blessings make up for all my crappy choices an negative consequences in life. Here is a list of not-so-much-accomplishments my genius life plans have yielded;
taking pills for depression and anxiety
Supposed to be taking pills for ADD, but can't afford it, so I don't
frequently break out in stress induced break outs of cold sores
overweight
broken marriage
terrible sleep habits
a terrible habit of lying to cover up mistakes
awful credit
I'm sure I could go on forever with my list of wrong doings and things I need God to fix for me.... but let's be honest - this list is plenty for now.
I have prided myself in being optimistic and always seeing the good in people and situations. This is God's gift to me... I am a fixer, a lover, an up-lifter. These are things God has given me. I do use them in my j-o-b everyday. I teach and I adore it. I feel like that's a spot I kinda have under control. Maybe. This optimism has enable me to survive and keep relationships intact. But it has also enabled me to be oblivious to choices I make that hurt me. I am working on that.
I put this all out there for a purpose. Understand where I am at now. Hopefully, for my sanity's sake, I'm not the only one out there sitting there in the middle of the big mess I have made for myself finding a way to reach for God's life line. In the past week, through intentional prayer and searching for resources, I feel better about my direction and my connection with God. I truly feel like I am on a path that God wants me on- my family needs me to be on. Come with me on this journey. Grow with me, cry with me and celebrate with me. I can't tell you if this is just a journal for me - or a testament of God's love for one messed up 40 year old woman and her family... I started this idea as a journal- but now I am hopeful and believe that it's a testament in the making.
I searched today for inspiration. My first focus for prayer is for my ability to be the wife my husband needs. Typically, I have put my kids and husband first... but I am working to realign to what we all know we should be putting as a priority:
1. GOD - my relationship with him and my ability to just bask in him
2. ME - just working to make good choices for my own health.
3. My husband/my marriage - I always thought putting my husband first or near first was good and obedient - I am feeling the error of my ways. (I may have created a monster)
4. My children- Gosh I adore them. I would easily put them first every day - I'm not modeling good behavior doing that. I want them to always take care of themselves. <3
5. My J-O-B- This is important... I love my job and need my job. I don't just need it for the money (and believe me -- I need the money) but through my teaching, I get to serve others and without serving others... I'm just not me.
Here is what I found this morning to pray - and boy - it spoke to me.
Prayers for your husband
8 Keys for Knowing God's Will
May today bless you. May you love yourself. May you make great choices today. Know you are loved. Know you have a purpose. Know there is power in prayer and when you think you have nothing left - for your sake: PRAY! And I think it's okay to appreciate the little things. This little guy is Jack. He is my bestie - he loves me unconditionally. Definitely my awesome little blessing- He doesn't make my problems go away - I still have to deal with them. But he does make them less painful.
Many times, when I have been at point where I am just LOST - I remember to turn to God. "Duh- he knows what I need ... I will say a little prayer, and open my bible. That will lead me to the perfect verse for me."
Have you ever realized how overwhelming the bible is??? There is seriously A LOT in there! How does one just sit down to read - and find God's Will for a given situation? It's tough. I have read the bible, little by little, a few times. I am familiar with biblical stories and individuals that we can learn from. But when I NEED direction, I can never, for the life of me pick something to read- that will apply to where I am and help me connect with what GOD wants.
So - this leaves me here- where I am right at this moment. LOST, near rock bottom, (hopefully, on my way up from my rock bottom) and working hard to do what God needs me to do, living God's plan, being healthy; emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially. My life is a mess... call it a hot mess, a crazy mess, chaotic, train wreck... whatever. I just know one thing. This is not the full life God intended for me. Although my heart has always loved Him, my brain has not followed him. I have made poor choices, been oblivious to things happening around me, been caught up in surviving and let this beautiful life fool me into thinking that the little blessings make up for all my crappy choices an negative consequences in life. Here is a list of not-so-much-accomplishments my genius life plans have yielded;
taking pills for depression and anxiety
Supposed to be taking pills for ADD, but can't afford it, so I don't
frequently break out in stress induced break outs of cold sores
overweight
broken marriage
terrible sleep habits
a terrible habit of lying to cover up mistakes
awful credit
I'm sure I could go on forever with my list of wrong doings and things I need God to fix for me.... but let's be honest - this list is plenty for now.
I have prided myself in being optimistic and always seeing the good in people and situations. This is God's gift to me... I am a fixer, a lover, an up-lifter. These are things God has given me. I do use them in my j-o-b everyday. I teach and I adore it. I feel like that's a spot I kinda have under control. Maybe. This optimism has enable me to survive and keep relationships intact. But it has also enabled me to be oblivious to choices I make that hurt me. I am working on that.
I put this all out there for a purpose. Understand where I am at now. Hopefully, for my sanity's sake, I'm not the only one out there sitting there in the middle of the big mess I have made for myself finding a way to reach for God's life line. In the past week, through intentional prayer and searching for resources, I feel better about my direction and my connection with God. I truly feel like I am on a path that God wants me on- my family needs me to be on. Come with me on this journey. Grow with me, cry with me and celebrate with me. I can't tell you if this is just a journal for me - or a testament of God's love for one messed up 40 year old woman and her family... I started this idea as a journal- but now I am hopeful and believe that it's a testament in the making.
I searched today for inspiration. My first focus for prayer is for my ability to be the wife my husband needs. Typically, I have put my kids and husband first... but I am working to realign to what we all know we should be putting as a priority:
1. GOD - my relationship with him and my ability to just bask in him
2. ME - just working to make good choices for my own health.
3. My husband/my marriage - I always thought putting my husband first or near first was good and obedient - I am feeling the error of my ways. (I may have created a monster)
4. My children- Gosh I adore them. I would easily put them first every day - I'm not modeling good behavior doing that. I want them to always take care of themselves. <3
5. My J-O-B- This is important... I love my job and need my job. I don't just need it for the money (and believe me -- I need the money) but through my teaching, I get to serve others and without serving others... I'm just not me.
Here is what I found this morning to pray - and boy - it spoke to me.
Prayers for your husband
8 Keys for Knowing God's Will
May today bless you. May you love yourself. May you make great choices today. Know you are loved. Know you have a purpose. Know there is power in prayer and when you think you have nothing left - for your sake: PRAY! And I think it's okay to appreciate the little things. This little guy is Jack. He is my bestie - he loves me unconditionally. Definitely my awesome little blessing- He doesn't make my problems go away - I still have to deal with them. But he does make them less painful.
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